As of 10/3/12 I am 90 days free of eating disordered and other related behaviors.
Although I'd love to stand on top of a mountain to shout "I never thought something so wonderful could happen" and "Now my life is great!" I cannot honestly say either of those. Don't get me wrong, I feel so much better than I did when I was acting on impulses to binge, purge, restrict, or self-harm. SO MUCH BETTER. However, I still have struggles just like anyone else.
Although I'd love to stand on top of a mountain to shout "I never thought something so wonderful could happen" and "Now my life is great!" I cannot honestly say either of those. Don't get me wrong, I feel so much better than I did when I was acting on impulses to binge, purge, restrict, or self-harm. SO MUCH BETTER. However, I still have struggles just like anyone else.
A difficult reality to come to terms with is that recovery is a long process and life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I still have disordered thoughts and impulses (although admittedly less frequent), sometimes get hurt by those I care about, and get romantically involved with people who cannot be with me for one reason or another.
The difference now is that I know how to handle these situations using my healthy (wise woman) voice instead of my eating disorder voice: When I find myself caught up in disordered thoughts I fight back and tell myself exactly why the voice in my head is wrong; if I feel the need to purge I ask myself, "What is this really about?" since nine times out of ten it's really not about the food; instead of getting depressed when there is a miscommunication with a friend or loved one I stage a compassionate confrontation and tell that person what I'm feeling; the romance category is a tricky one, but I know that I deserve someone who can be emotionally committed to me and only me. This means that I've had to, at least temporarily, cut certain people out of my life.
Life is far from easy even 3 months after quitting disordered behaviors. So why do I continue on the path to recovery? I'll tell you why. Because...
. I can eat a meal without hating myself
. I can eat in front of other people
. I no longer have acid reflux
. I can go to a potluck or buffet without even thinking about bingeing
. I can get dressed in the morning without worrying about how fat I look
. I don't need to weigh myself multiple times a day or at all
. I can be present in conversations instead of judging my body or someone else's
. I have freedom with food
. I actually like myself
. I feel happy when good things happen
. I take care of myself
. I can go to the beach and wear a swimsuit
. I have less anxiety
. I know that my beauty is always there, even when I can't see it
There are many more reasons why I prefer life without my eating disorder, but I'll stop there. In short, life without disordered behaviors is just better. And there's no way I'm going back.
--Brit
The difference now is that I know how to handle these situations using my healthy (wise woman) voice instead of my eating disorder voice: When I find myself caught up in disordered thoughts I fight back and tell myself exactly why the voice in my head is wrong; if I feel the need to purge I ask myself, "What is this really about?" since nine times out of ten it's really not about the food; instead of getting depressed when there is a miscommunication with a friend or loved one I stage a compassionate confrontation and tell that person what I'm feeling; the romance category is a tricky one, but I know that I deserve someone who can be emotionally committed to me and only me. This means that I've had to, at least temporarily, cut certain people out of my life.
Life is far from easy even 3 months after quitting disordered behaviors. So why do I continue on the path to recovery? I'll tell you why. Because...
. I can eat a meal without hating myself
. I can eat in front of other people
. I no longer have acid reflux
. I can go to a potluck or buffet without even thinking about bingeing
. I can get dressed in the morning without worrying about how fat I look
. I don't need to weigh myself multiple times a day or at all
. I can be present in conversations instead of judging my body or someone else's
. I have freedom with food
. I actually like myself
. I feel happy when good things happen
. I take care of myself
. I can go to the beach and wear a swimsuit
. I have less anxiety
. I know that my beauty is always there, even when I can't see it
There are many more reasons why I prefer life without my eating disorder, but I'll stop there. In short, life without disordered behaviors is just better. And there's no way I'm going back.
--Brit
RSS Feed