So, I have some exciting news: I'm seeing someone.
It's fun to be in a new relationship with someone who has been in my life for years but I actually don't know very well. She's smart, funny (at least she thinks so), and our relationship is moving pretty fast. In fact, we even shared a bed last night. Oh, and one more thing about her...she's me.
It's fun to be in a new relationship with someone who has been in my life for years but I actually don't know very well. She's smart, funny (at least she thinks so), and our relationship is moving pretty fast. In fact, we even shared a bed last night. Oh, and one more thing about her...she's me.
Yep, that's right, I'm dating myself. It's quite an odd concept, and I understand that. When the idea was first presented to me my response we a sarcastic "yeah, right." I mean, who would do something like that? It's weird. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is something I have to do in order to continue moving forward in my recovery. If there's one thing I've learned throughout this process it's that I should do whatever I don't want to do.
Now let me stop for a minute and explain. The principle I've presented above isn't applicable in all situations. For instance, if I'm going out at night and really don't want to wear high heels, I won't force myself to do so. Because what will wearing heels accomplish for me? Nothing, except the chance to view the world as a "tall" person (being 5' 3" above the ground instead of just the 5').
In terms of recovery however, I try to do the scary thing, the hard thing, the ridiculous thing. I didn't want to burden my family with the cost of treatment, so I did. I didn't want to let others care for me, so I did. I didn't want to treat myself with respect, so I did.
Doing the opposite of what I want isn't easy and seems completley counterintuitive. However, I've been listening to my eating disorder for nine years. Of course my judgment is skewed. By doing what seems so wrong I'm actually doing the right thing. It wasn't me that didn't want to "burden" my family, it was my disorder that told me not to be selfish. It wasn't me that didn't want to be taken care of, it was my disorder that told me I had to be tough. It wasn't me that couldn't respect myself, it was my disorder that told me I was worthless.
Following this series of epiphanies, I realized that I deserve to take myself out on a date. I went with myself to get a massage today and it was an awesome first date! I can't wait for the next one.
--Brit
Now let me stop for a minute and explain. The principle I've presented above isn't applicable in all situations. For instance, if I'm going out at night and really don't want to wear high heels, I won't force myself to do so. Because what will wearing heels accomplish for me? Nothing, except the chance to view the world as a "tall" person (being 5' 3" above the ground instead of just the 5').
In terms of recovery however, I try to do the scary thing, the hard thing, the ridiculous thing. I didn't want to burden my family with the cost of treatment, so I did. I didn't want to let others care for me, so I did. I didn't want to treat myself with respect, so I did.
Doing the opposite of what I want isn't easy and seems completley counterintuitive. However, I've been listening to my eating disorder for nine years. Of course my judgment is skewed. By doing what seems so wrong I'm actually doing the right thing. It wasn't me that didn't want to "burden" my family, it was my disorder that told me not to be selfish. It wasn't me that didn't want to be taken care of, it was my disorder that told me I had to be tough. It wasn't me that couldn't respect myself, it was my disorder that told me I was worthless.
Following this series of epiphanies, I realized that I deserve to take myself out on a date. I went with myself to get a massage today and it was an awesome first date! I can't wait for the next one.
--Brit
RSS Feed