*Eating Disorder (ED) voices can take many forms for different people and may change as the disorder progresses. For some, ED may take the shape of the caretaker who has to put everyone else's needs first, the perfectionist who strives to achieve an unattainable goal or the one who habitually plays the victim. This particular piece is about ED as the drill sergeant.
The Drill Sergeant
I used to believe that the only way I could get things done was through bullying myself into doing them. After all, I was a lazy person. I didn't want to clean my room or do the dishes, I would much rather lie on the couch and watch some TV. In college I became a master procrastinator. Don't get me wrong my grades were good, very good, ED would not allow anything but perfection. But I would bully myself into doing what needed to be done.
The Drill Sergeant
I used to believe that the only way I could get things done was through bullying myself into doing them. After all, I was a lazy person. I didn't want to clean my room or do the dishes, I would much rather lie on the couch and watch some TV. In college I became a master procrastinator. Don't get me wrong my grades were good, very good, ED would not allow anything but perfection. But I would bully myself into doing what needed to be done.
The price I paid was steep and growing exponentially. I grew ashamed of my inability to do things ahead of time, and afraid of any new commitment. Nothing could ever be done well enough or early enough.
In eating disorder treatment I was told that this was my Drill Sergeant's voice. Great, I thought, now my personality has a name. My treatment team advised me to get rid of this "voice". I did not understand since to me this wasn't just a voice it was who was am and how I got things done. I mean after all, I was a genuinely lazy person, without this so called voice I wouldn't be able to achieve anything.
But I was tired. Tired of the yearlong battles I had been fighting with myself. Life had lost its appeal and I was willing to try anything to get it back.
So I tried this ridiculous idea of being kind to myself. My first attempts were half-hearted, I thought I knew better, after all I knew myself better. I didn't trust the team or all this "hippie" talk. But I tried because I was desperate. And after a while and much practice I developed a feeble little voice, that, like a muscle, grew stronger the more I used it.
Some of you who may have gone through a similar process will understand how incredibly nice it was to have a non-critical voice in my head, a voice that grew to be my wise woman's voice. For the first time in years there was peace in my mind.
Much to my surprise I got things done. Don't get me wrong I still procrastinate like crazy, but if I ever miss a due date I tell myself that it will be alright, lesson learned, and I move on.
I realized that I had always sought kindness amongst others, when in truth, the most important kindness I could receive was my own.
--Becca
In eating disorder treatment I was told that this was my Drill Sergeant's voice. Great, I thought, now my personality has a name. My treatment team advised me to get rid of this "voice". I did not understand since to me this wasn't just a voice it was who was am and how I got things done. I mean after all, I was a genuinely lazy person, without this so called voice I wouldn't be able to achieve anything.
But I was tired. Tired of the yearlong battles I had been fighting with myself. Life had lost its appeal and I was willing to try anything to get it back.
So I tried this ridiculous idea of being kind to myself. My first attempts were half-hearted, I thought I knew better, after all I knew myself better. I didn't trust the team or all this "hippie" talk. But I tried because I was desperate. And after a while and much practice I developed a feeble little voice, that, like a muscle, grew stronger the more I used it.
Some of you who may have gone through a similar process will understand how incredibly nice it was to have a non-critical voice in my head, a voice that grew to be my wise woman's voice. For the first time in years there was peace in my mind.
Much to my surprise I got things done. Don't get me wrong I still procrastinate like crazy, but if I ever miss a due date I tell myself that it will be alright, lesson learned, and I move on.
I realized that I had always sought kindness amongst others, when in truth, the most important kindness I could receive was my own.
--Becca
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